All, Endless, Soothe

A few quotes

Over the years, I’ve accumulated a couple of different quotes and pasted them up on my bedroom wall. Each of them inspire me in some way or remind me of something vital in terms of living my life.

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Quote 1: “These wings were meant to fly.” This is illustrated on my graduate cap from Undergraduate graduation from May, 2017. Next to it, I painted a tree reading “thank you”, with a caterpillar that says “mom” and a cacoon that reads “dad”. My mom gave me life and my dad gave me shelter/protection. Above it, I illustrated a girl emerging into a butterfly.

What it means: Remember your potential. The “wings” or body/soul you were given were crafted specifically for you to be able to carry the burdens you’re faced with, however, it doesn’t stop there. The “wings” were meant for you to fly, to soar up far past the ordinary. This quote reminds me to keep striving towards my goals and well beyond.

Quote 2: “Nothing safe is worth the drive.”Treacherous, Taylor Swift

What it means: Take chances. As someone who fears getting out of her safety zone, this quote reminds me that sometimes risks are worth taking. Although it may not feel “safe” or comfortable, staying in the safety net keeps you idle. In order to move forward and “fly”, you have to take leaps that are often a bit scary. Plus, let’s not forget, as the song playfully sings, if it’s safe its not “worth the drive”. Keep life interesting, daring, and challenging.

Quote 3: “When things go wrong we can knock it down.” Lego House, Ed Sheeran

What it means: It’s okay to make mistakes! In this song, Ed Sheeran sings about building a metaphorical lego house. This quote is incredibly comforting to me because it instills the idea that you can make mistakes and if you don’t like the outcome, you can “knock it down”, start all over, re-do it. As someone who thinks countless times before doing something and overthinks the impact of things, this quote is as comforting to me as a hug from Mom because it reminds me that it’s not “all or nothing”. Sometimes things go wrong, and I’m not locked in. I can fix it, change it, get rid of it, redo it until I’m happy.

Quote 4: “In the name of God.” 

What it means: This one is self-explanatory, but personally it’s a reminder to ask for God’s blessing before doing anything. Generally speaking, this quote isn’t all about religion, instead it reminds me that the universe has a way of constructing a beautiful path for you, you just have to believe in it and manifest it with putting positive vibes into the air.

Quote 5: “A dream is a wish your heart makes.” – Cinderella

What it means: Follow your heart. My nine-year-old self wrote this quote in colored pencils on pink construction paper and pasted in on my wall. It reminds me to listen to my intuition, pay attention to my “dreams”, goals, and wants, and to take it seriously. If your heart stopped beating, you wouldn’t exist, so don’t take your inner desires for granted.  Listen to your emotions and take them seriously; identify your goals and work towards them.

Quote 6: “However long the night, the dawn will break.” 

What it means: There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Every dark moment will pass. My best friend wrote this for me as a reminder that no matter how long the night seems, the sun is sure to arrive in time.

Quote 7: “Nothing that was wrong ever turned out right”.

What it means: Trust your intuition. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong, and no matter how much you hope or try, you can’t turn a wrong thing into a right one. No matter how much you may want to defy the odds, if something seems off, let it be. Accept it and save yourself the consequences; be able to identify right from wrong from the get-go and honor it. For example, if a relationship starts off abusive, it’s not going to get any better no matter how long you wait.

Do you have any quotes that resonate with you? What quote inspires you the most? Do any of the above mean something different to you?

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All, Endless, Sting

Home, status update: 8/4/19

What if I’m holding onto the pain because it’s the only thing that keeps me connected to you? I still remember the last day, in the parking lot, when I hugged and kissed you goodbye. I got in my car and waited for you to turn and wave, but you didn’t look up. I drove away that day. We had plans to meet later that week, we had plans for the future, and we had pounds of history on our laps.

That was the last time I’d ever see you. I threw away the gifts, I threw away the memories. I blocked your number. I called the cops. I pulled the curtains shut, called off from work, and quarantined myself. I was terrified of you.

The sea had turned into a whirlpool. The reflection of the radiating sun on the water had disappeared. Dark clouds welcomed themselves in, they brought their pillows and toothbrushes. They were here to stay.

Love quickly turned from hope to hurt. Hurt turned from sorrow to disgust. Disgust turned from vomiting to bleeding. Bleeding turned from sickness to despise. Despise turned from anger back to hurt.

The dark clouds have made themselves comfortable now on top of the ocean. The ocean is tired of crashing and tumbling and whirling, so it just sits still now. I hear the whispers among the waves, they try to lower their voices so I don’t hear, but I can hear them crying for the sun. The ocean longs for its color back, the vibrant blue, but it’s pitch black right now. The clouds installed a security system that doesn’t allow for intruders: no sun allowed.

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The question strikes me again, like salt stinging the cuts on my lips. What if I’m holding onto the pain because it’s the only thing that keeps me connected to you? The dark clouds grumbling and pacing above me remind me of what you did to me. I feel the pain vividly now just as I did on day twenty and on day fifty. I lay there, still and unmoving, the pitch-black ocean is my floor and the gray storm is my sky. But, I allow myself to feel the salt in all my open wounds, making me wince day after day. I could be trying my best to heal, to be out with my loved ones, but the sea is unpredictable and with one splash, I’m reminded of the pain. The salt stings.

I hold onto the pain because it’s the last thing I have. The last thing I have telling me you were real. It’s the last thing I have that makes me feel anything towards you. Letting pain go means letting you go. Letting pain go means flushing my system of you entirely. Letting pain go means the sea can return to crystal blue, the dark clouds can get an eviction notice on their door, and the sun can flood back in, warming up the shivering waters. My beautiful home would return to normal,without a trace of proof that you ever even existed.

Maybe I hold onto pain for you. For us. To remember you. To remember us.

You don’t deserve it.

 

Endless, Sting

Saying No

Yesterday at work, when the receptionist asked me to stop by Chic fil a on my way to lunch, I said no. It was excruciating.

Minutes of stalling and ranting to my co-worker, the time was finally here for me grab my car keys and head out. I rehearsed a couple times in my head and tried to remember my co-workers encouraging words as I told the receptionist, “I’m so sorry, it’s peak lunchtime and the drive-thru line at Chic fil a will take forever right now.”

“Oh okay,” came her response. “Thank you anyway!”

I obsessed about it for the rest of the day. I felt bad. I let her down. She had to find a plan B for lunch. I could have said it differently. I should have told her I would make it up to her by getting her lunch next week. What was I thinking!

I wish I could do everything for everyone all the time, but this is just not possible. I wish I didn’t ever have to let anyone down, but this is just not possible.

This experience, seemingly small and insignificant, was a mountain for me in my day. It made me realize that I’ve gotten into a lot of trouble in my life by having a hard time saying no.

Six years ago when my finger was stuck in the door, my voice was nowhere to be found. Instead of screaming for help, I froze and stared at my flesh turning purple as the door squeezed harder and harder, cracking my bone.

Back when I was in a small child, fresh home from school in my uniform, when the creepy man stopped the elevator on the way up and unzipped his pants, I should have said “stop”. Instead, I backed up into a corner and silently waited.

When he asked me repeatedly to give him a chance and date him, I should have said, “no means no”. Instead, I said “I’m sorry I keep saying no. Let’s give it a shot.” When he touched me and whispered in my ear saying, “just let me.” I should have said “no”. Instead, I said “okay”.

When the receptionist at work asked me to get her lunch yesterday, I should have said “no”. Instead said, “I’ll let you know”.

I’m incredibly proud of myself for circling back and saying “no” later on, however it made me realize how important it is to vocalize your opinion clearly, definitively, and unwaveringly.

It didn’t feel good to say no. But, I do know it felt better than if I had been waiting in the Chic fil a line for over twenty minutes and been stripped of precious time on an incredibly busy day at work.

Maybe it would have been embarrassing to scream when my finger got caught in the door and get someone’s attention, but it would have felt better than wearing a finger brace for the next two weeks.

It would have been terrifying to speak when it was just me and the man in the elevator and I was helpless, but resisting would have felt better than enduring.

Most of all, saying no to him would have been uncomfortable. Maybe it would make me feel bad and feel stuck-up for rejecting him. But, anything would have been better than being with him. Saying no would have felt better than going through hell, all because I said “okay” when every molecule in my body was screaming “no”.

 

All, Sting

Karma

Sweetheart, you left me here to bleed
You told me you could “die for me”
But all along you were just planning on stabbing me

You stabbed me repeatedly, night after night
And you would leave a crime scene all over the sheets
It would make you smirk every time to see the mess

You felt great cutting me
It was a sick pleasure for you to be
The first to dig through my insides

Sweetheart, you left me there to bleed
Cold and awake while you slept next to me
So one morning I threw away your gifts and I left

You exploded in anger and this time
You stabbed me in the stomach
And I bled and I bled and I bled

That sure is a lot of blood
That I poured out when I was next to you
And long after you were gone

I thought love was supposed to be red
In the form of roses and hearts
But with you it was red like blood

Honey, I bled out
But do you really think you can cut something
So precious and get away with it

Darling, you cut me
But do you really think that you won’t be split
Open in half and chopped into pieces like a log

My love, you left me to bleed
But do you really think that you won’t be left
One day, bleeding out with no one to hear you

Sweetheart, you forgot about karma
You forgot about God
You forgot I’m precious

 

 

 

All, Endless, Soothe

Endless

I love you endlessly. I love you like saltwater, it stings and it soothes, but most of all it runs endlessly.

It terrifies me. It’s miles and miles deep, parts of my love for you remain undiscovered and ominous. I don’t know what’s waiting around the corner, I don’t know what monster is lurking in the darkest folds of the sea, waiting to swallow me while I want nothing more than to be in the shallow waters with you, soaking our feet. The sun warm and toasty on our cheeks, the wind in our hair and the waves lightly hugging our sides, rocking us along in the current.

You are like saltwater. Touching my skin, stinging my open cuts and making me conscious of the cuts that I didn’t even know existed. You sting, you burn, you make me crazy in pain, sometimes in subtle blows and other more intense. You are like saltwater, simultaneously soothing every last inch of my body, caressing me and leaving no inch of me dry as I dare to submerge in the sea. You are like saltwater, salty to the lips, stinging to the cuts, but also the cure. You heal these cuts over time, the salt like medicine for my pain. You refresh me, you soothe me, you fill me.

You are like a storm. The electricity striking again in the sky, lighting up the city for just a moment. In the midst of darkness, you come in as lighting, momentarily taking away the darkness. You follow with thunder, shaking my world, making my heart beat just a little faster as the entire sky and the ground I stand on shakes with your loud presence. You are like a storm, raging in with dark clouds, tearing down the trees, pulling shards of ice and water down in sheets. You’re also the excitement, the anticipation just after the lighting, the eccentric and roaring presence I admire and aspire to be. You’re the storm that always subsides, leaving the sky bright, the earth moist and watered, the city now scattered due to the footprint you left.

You are like a lock. You’re guarded and impossible, difficult and frustrating, unapproachable and unattainable. You’re also the same lock that protects me, shelters me, and locks up inside with you, shutting out all the bad guys outside. You’re the lock, but you’re also the key. You’re the key opening me, freeing me, and encouraging me to walk forward. You’re the key, creating a passageway again and again when all roads seem to be dead ends.

I love you today, I loved you then, and I love you tomorrow. You’re the lighting to my darkness, the thunder I need when I’m shy, you’re the storm I will dance in, again and again, you’re the lock I will pick at and never give up, and you’re the key I will hold tight and cherish. You’re the person I will find again and again no matter how many times the waves pull us apart. You’re the person that the turns and folds of the ocean, seemingly so unorganized and untamed, will bring me back to over and over. You’re the person I will reach for endlessly because I can’t let go. I am the water and you are the salt, and together we make the sea, a world to endless that it was meant to be.

 

 

All, Endless, Sting

Hiccups

I missed that
every time I would hiccup
you weren’t there to notice
to look at me, glace over
acknowledge my being, my whole body under your eyes

I missed that when I hiccupped
you weren’t there to smile
to smile at me
to put me under the warmth that felt like the sun
the sun radiating on me
The warmth I received from your smile

I missed that when I hiccupped you weren’t there
to ask me are you okay
no matter how many times I had hiccupped in the past
every single time, the slightest jump of my body

The smallest noise from my throat with my lips pressed closed
The slightest and quietest hiccup
Every single time
You asked me if I was okay
You never missed one

When I hiccupped next to him
I had to catch myself
I hiccupped then looked over
My brain waiting for a reaction
Just like blowing out a candle but the flame did not blow out
Like spilling over a glass of water but the water did not spill
Like cutting open my wrist with a blade but the blood did not pour

They told me in physics that
for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction
so where was the reaction
where was my glance, my smile, my acknowledgment

You taught me to be seen
Every time you looked over
You taught me to be heard
Every time even the quietest hiccup would stir you from your deepest concentration
You taught me to be valued
Every time you handed me a glass of water

So what was I doing now
Next to him, next to someone who did not stir from my slightest movement
Someone who did not glance over or smile
Someone who kept his eyes solid on the cell phone in his hands

Someone who did not react
Wasn’t this just the simple laws of physics?
I caught myself because I sounded crazy
Normal people don’t react to hiccups
Its not a sneeze warranting a “bless you”
Every time I hiccupped and instinctively looked over at him
Feeling empty, void of my acknowledgment when I realized it wasn’t supposed to come
How stupid was I to expect a reaction to a hiccup

But then why did I look over every single time
Expecting it like expecting the sun to rise every morning
Expecting it like expecting water to flow out of the tap
Expecting it like expecting honey to taste sweet

I expected it because I was taught
Not by physics
But by you
I was taught to be acknowledged

To be seen
To be smiled at
as if it was nature
as if it was as natural for me to be loved as the sun rising in the morning
So why was I here, with someone when it felt so unnatural

He wasn’t taught to acknowledge a hiccup
Because that is not something that is taught
Just like love is not taught
But it was you that taught me what it means to be loved

Next to him
When I opened the faucet and blood poured out
When I turned on the lamp, the room got darker
When I pulled open the drapes, the sun would never rise
I should have ran

 

All, Sting

Dear Friend

I listened to you
When you silenced me
Because you said listening hurt

I told you it was okay
When you told me it never would be
Because you thought it would never stop hurting

I let you cry
When you told me to seek help
Because you thought you couldn’t truly be there for me

I looked out for you
When you left me all alone
Because being a part of things was too toxic for you

I told you you’re not stupid
When all you showed me was disappointment in your eyes
Because you were so damn frustrated that I wouldn’t let him go

I held your hand
When you let mine go
Because you thought I was beyond helping

I loved you
When the love you gave back to me wasn’t whole
Because you said I hurt you

But time and time again,
I will listen
I will tell you it’s okay
I will let you cry
I will look out for you
I will tell you you’re perfect
I will hold your hand
I will love you